Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize