He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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