there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize