I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
