low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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