Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
