I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
