he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
