I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
