So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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