dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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