I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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