If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
