with your own penis?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
