M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize