Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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