I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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