Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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