I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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