dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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