I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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