so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
