two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
