Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
