You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
