Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
