Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
