I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
