I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
