i barfeds in our rink
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
