I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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