ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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