I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
