I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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