So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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