Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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