New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
