dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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