Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
sarcasm needs its own font
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
