I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
