Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
