I'm going to jail i love you
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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