I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize