i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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