This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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