I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
