Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
