I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
my liver is dry heaving
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
