Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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