I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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