I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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