May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
