I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
