I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
