i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I think my vagina is haunted
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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