my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
