I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
is that a dick in a sweater?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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