According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
