Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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