"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
