Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Oh god it's open bar.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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