i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
