This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
