I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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