Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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