His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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