Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
