So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We are two peas in an std pod
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
