Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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