Betty ford says i'm here all night
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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